Seeing, Observing, Listening, these are the greatest acts.
–J.Krishnamurti
This article is based on the work of Carl Rogers. I first encountered him when I trained to be a counsellor and he was truly inspirational. I found a lot of resonance between what he was saying and what Krishnamurti was pointing to regarding relationships and listening—an acceptance of what is, observing all emotions and realities with interest and without judgement. The aim of this article is to sensitize all of us adults who teach young people to the challenges and possibilities of cultivating genuine empathetic relationships with adolescents, so that we too may grow and learn with them. I will outline what I have understood as being essential for empathetic listening and will freely quote from Rogers. I will add some comments based on my experiences in counselling and teaching adolescents. I will also raise some questions for us to consider.
I begin with this poem written by a 16-year-old girl:
You taught me, and I gained some knowledge.
You looked after my physical needs, and I felt grateful.
You spoke a kind word to me, and I felt comforted.
You listened to me, and I felt heard. I learnt to listen to myself.—Anonymous
This is a clear statement of what listening does to another!
Rogers is considered the architect of the ‘Humanistic’ school of counselling that is based on empathetic listening. His life, research and writings have contributed immensely to this field. We may ask: what is its relevance to our lives, especially our lives as teachers? Basically, it means that if we really listened to each other and to children, we would not need counsellors. Our children and students would experience a much more secure emotional base. Moreover, according to Rogers, “listening is a growth experience” for the listener and the one listened to.
Rogers defines empathetic listening as having three basic elements.
1. Empathy: This means understanding another individual in their own frame of reference. It involves being sensitive to whatever he or she is experiencing. Most importantly it means NOT making judgments or imposing one’s frame of reference on another. Rogers says that “each response of mine contains the unspoken question, ‘Am I catching just the colour and texture and flavour of the way you are experiencing right now?’ If not, I wish to bring my perception in line with yours.” For only then can the adult be in tune with the adolescent.
2. Congruence: This in other words means genuineness or authenticity of one’s response. Rogers states that, “congruence is the term used to describe a condition when a listener ‘is what he is’ in the relationship. That is, in the relationship with the person, a listener is ‘genuine’ and without a ‘front’ or a ‘façade’, openly being the feelings and attitudes which at that moment are flowing in him—a unified, or integrated, or congruent person.” This is a rare quality, for it means that as I listen, I need to be aware of my own feelings, thoughts, and beliefs, with complete honesty. Only after that, do I take a decision on what is best to communicate. This second element as defined by Rogers, is often lacking in adult life. In the guise of ‘niceness’ or ‘appropriateness’, honesty with one’s own responses is not only denied but also justified. This leads to the presence of the ‘overt’ and the ‘covert’ in human conversation and behaviour. This aspect of adults is what adolescents are most sceptical about. Their growing cognitive and perceptive abilities often helps them perceive adults for who they are. When the adult does not reciprocate in honesty, there is a sense of disappointment that is often expressed as anger.
In working with young people, do we assume that we need to be ‘nice’ or have an ‘acceptable’ response to what they may say? Is there another way of relating with them?
3. Unconditional Positive Regard: This means, in Roger’s words, “a respect…for him as a separate person, a willingness for him to possess his own feelings in his own way….an acceptance of his attitudes of the moment, no matter how negative or positive….entering the private perceptual world of the other and becoming thoroughly at home in it …being sensitive moment to moment to the changing felt meanings which flow in the other person, to the fear or rage or tenderness or confusion. This kind of acceptance of the other person makes it for him a relationship of warmth and safety.”
This way of relating with our students would create a very different atmosphere between adults and adolescents. Is it possible for concerned adults to work towards such an ethos in a school?
What is involved in ‘listening’?
I now discuss some important considerations in listening.
Meaning and listening: Rogers emphasizes, “any message a person tries to send usually has two components—the concept of the message and the feeling or attitude underlying this content. Both are important—both give the message meaning. It is the total meaning of the message that we try to understand.” Krishnamurti too suggests, “So, when you are listening to somebody, completely, attentively, then you are listening not only to the words, but also to the feeling of what is being conveyed, to the whole of it, not part of it.” Our responses typically start from the sensation (a physical feeling resulting from something that happens to, or comes into contact with, the body). Our inner recognition and interpretation of sensation creates perception. Perception is a selection, organization, naming, and interpretation of the external world, as well as of oneself, and that is not a perfect representation of what is happening. There is the awakening of emotional responses, thinking and memory. This is our inner world of experience. All our experiences and our conditioning, i.e., our habitual responses, create our inner world of meaning and belief vis-a-vis the outer world, ourselves, and another. Hence, there are two questions we could keep in mind when confronted with a situation with our students:
- Can we become more aware of our sensations and how they convert into perceptions and inner realities?
- Can we see how these inner realities influence our perceptions in this (or any) situation?
Importance of the non-verbal: Listening involves observing the speaker’s non-verbal behaviour such as voice, inflection, expression, and gestures, as well as understanding the speaker’s verbal messages. Empathetic Listening is listening to the meaning of the words, as well as to the intent and the implied (which is often imagined!). From the perspective of the student, when the non-verbal is contrary to the verbal, as often happens when we are just being ‘nice and polite’ (but could be seething within!), it causes confusion in the listener. It can be termed ‘inauthentic appropriateness’ and leads to miscommunication and reaction.
Can we become aware of how these pretences operate in us, and do we recognize it when adolescents react to this?
Self-narratives and listening: Krishnamurti often points out that we operate in our relationships through the images that we hold of each other. Rogers too says that “through all of our lives, from early childhood on…we have built up pictures of ourselves. Sometimes these self-pictures are pretty realistic, but at other times they are not. These self-pictures are not necessarily attractive. A man, for example, may regard himself as incompetent and worthless. He must hold on to this self-picture because, bad or good, it is the only thing he has by which he can identify himself.” In empathetic listening, since there is no criticism, moralizing or judgement, a person is able to explore his or her own narrative, see it for what it is. In a threatening atmosphere, on the other hand, there can be no effective communication and possibility of change, since there is likely to be only a defensive reaction.
Are we able to provide such a non-threatening space while listening to our adolescent students?
Listening to ourselves: Most importantly, Rogers points to the fact that one’s ability to listen to another is remarkably similar to the way one listens to oneself. It’s all about just listening; to oneself or another and to both simultaneously. “Listening to ourselves: This is a prerequisite to listening to others. The ability to recognize and understand the meaning which a particular episode has for you, with all the feelings which it stimulates in you…that is, if some person or situation touches off feelings within you which tend to block your attempts to listen with understanding, begin listening to yourself.”
So, can I listen to myself, even as I listen to another?
Attitude of active listening: Empathetic listening is active listening; it is not a passive process. It may require changes in our own basic attitudes; changes that are not easy. It cannot be employed as a technique if the listener’s fundamental attitudes are not rooted in a genuine respect for another— their intrinsic worth, and capacity for change and growth. To be effective in active listening, one must be sincerely interested in the speaker and what they are experiencing. If we are only pretending to be interested, the other person understands this and will no longer share freely. Roger underlines the demands of empathetic listening, “…it takes a great deal of inner security and courage to be able to risk one’s self in understanding another… Sometimes, if the discussion is a personal one, you may have to see yourself as the other person sees or experiences you, and this can be very threatening to your ‘selfimage’. However, if you can accomplish this, it can be extremely valuable for you to discover the discrepancy between how you see yourself and how another sees you”.
Can I be vulnerable enough to let the other person show me what they are in fact seeing about me?
Genuine expression of feelings: Caring confrontations: Often in our relationships, we avoid genuine expressions of feelings, for this often masks an inability to accept and deal with the so-called negative feelings of irritation, anger, fear etc., which may arise. It also leads to the inability for ‘caring confrontations’, where one can be with those feelings and yet be related. It leads to ‘private’ internal conversations rather than ‘open’ ones, and this results in unhealthy modes of decision-making and much sorrow and mistrust in human relationships. Rogers offers that, “genuine expression of feelings on the part of the listener will be more helpful in developing a sound relationship than the suppression of them—whether they be resentment, hostility, threat, or admiration. Keep this in mind when you begin to fear a clash of personalities in the listening relationship—otherwise, fear of your own emotions will choke off full expression of feelings.” The adolescent is particularly sensitive to these ‘games’ and sometimes they can also ruthlessly point it out.
Can I be authentic in communicating what I am feeling, in a way that is not judgmental of the other? Can I risk a ‘confrontation’ that may eventually lead to better mutual understanding?
Barriers to good listening
As will be evident from the above considerations, there are some key barriers that come in the way of ‘good listening. I summarize these here:
- Evaluation and judgment of the other is clearly a barrier to listening.
- We may not be observant of and sensitive to the non-verbal, and so miss a great deal.
- Even if we do pay attention to this, at times we may over-interpret the non-verbal.
- Our own emotional insecurities and resulting defensiveness about ourselves and our viewpoints get in the way.
- We may feel resentful of views that may be in opposition to what we think or expect from another.
- Interruptions and distractions (such as the buzzing cell phone!) can also get in the way of paying attention to what is being communicated.
- Moreover, not being aware of one’s own responses as one listens— our feelings, thoughts, biases and beliefs—makes the quality of our listening ‘top-down’ rather than ‘congruent’.
Krishnamurti highlights such difficulties too, “we listen either with pleasure, with distaste, or with a formula of ideas, a philosophy which we have cultivated, or have learned. Through these screens we listen, interpreting, translating, putting aside what we don’t like, keeping what we like, and the act of listening never takes place.”
Carl Rogers himself has two suggestions to offer:
- “Because understanding another person is actually far more difficult than it at first seems, it is important to test constantly your ability to see the world in the way the speaker sees it. You can do this by reflecting in your own words what the speaker seems to mean by his words and actions. His response to this will tell you whether or not he feels understood.”
- “The next time you become involved in a lively or controversial discussion with another person, stop for a moment and suggest the following ground rule. Before either participant can make a point or express an opinion of his own, he must first restate aloud the previous point, position, and meaning of the other person. This must be in the responder’s own words and be accurate enough to satisfy the speaker, so that he believes he has been understood. Then the listener can be allowed to speak for himself. This may seem tedious at first, but it can be very rewarding. Note the changes in the emotional climate and quality of the discussion when you try this.”
Over the years, in journeying with empathetic listening, I have found it useful to ask myself some questions to become more aware of the quality of my interactions and relationships. For instance, in any encounter with a student I could try to become conscious of the following:
• How am I feeling right now? Am I indifferent or tired?
• What are the sensations I’m experiencing?
• What are my thoughts?
• What are my narratives about this particular student?
• What’s happening with the student?
• What are the feelings that the student is expressing?
• What values are operative in my interaction?
• How are my values and attitudes being expressed in my non-verbal behaviour?
• Am I able to listen to his/ her point of view even if it challenges mine, or even if I must differ and confront him/her?
Another more general question that is useful to ask ourselves regarding an adolescent student we perceive as ‘difficult’ would be, ‘Are we focused more on deviant/non-conformist behaviour in the adolescent or are we able to see and listen to him/her as a whole person?’ For a concerned teacher, empathetic listening would reflect this attitude: You are important to me. You are worthy of my time and attention. You are saying something that I am interested in hearing.
To sum up, for me empathetic listening is an attitude, a commitment, as well as a skill I need to develop. It is also a lifelong journey.