VENKATESH ONKAR
There is a longing to be whole, to be at rest inwardly, free of contradiction. But is this wholeness one more idea in the flow of our consciousness, an idea which actually keeps us fixed in the loop of restless searching for wholeness?
I cannot positively say what wholeness might mean. But I do have a lot of inner information on the lack of wholeness, on fragmentation! The source of this fragmentation, K would say, is thought, which includes conditioned emotion. I think all day, and thought seems fragmentary and contradictory in its essence. When confronted by a real situation, thought wanders off into alternative universes; after fulfilling a desire, it reaches for a different one, generally unattainable; the world is generally experienced by thought as unsatisfactory. Thinking compares the present with the past and projects innumerable fears about the future. Contradictory desires can lead to paralysis in daily life. In the final analysis, thinking convinces us that there is a ‘me’ (hasn’t thought created this me with its ceaseless inner narratives and battles?) which is at threat in a hostile universe, divided from the universe. In a perverse twist, thinking further convinces us that it—thought itself—is the medicine against this division. If only we think enough, and correctly enough, we will be safe and whole! Perhaps, when we have played the thought-and-conditioned-emotion game long enough, we may come to the deep understanding that thought creates fragmentary realities.
The act of looking provides respite from fragmentation and opens a door. I can look at, or sense, the so-called outer world: colour, shape, texture, smell, space, distance. A moment of actual sensing can bring relief from endless fragmented realities. Then, looking at thought itself, at the contradictory worlds it creates, and seeing its essence, also seems to provide respite from fragmentation. In looking, I may glimpse the fragmentation in a non-conceptual way. At least at that instant of the glimpse, I may be free from it. Immersion in thought-emotion can’t allow even for this glimpse.
Until, of course, I make looking into another concept, and the merry-go-round begins again.